Clarity
Secret Ingredient Revealed
Posted 23 Jun 2008
Daily Life, Drinks, People | 4 Comments
Rather than write all about it and then spill the beans, I’m going to tell you up front:
Listerine is just a combination of 12-year-old scotch and toothpaste!
I came to this conclusion last night. Before going out for the evening, I enjoyed a glass of Glenfiddich 12 year, but then I decided it would be best to brush my teeth again before rolling out, lest I arrive with the smell of booze on my breath. This seemingly benign sequence of events led me to discover that the taste of toothpaste on top of scotch is eerily similar to all the mint-flavored mouth washes I have ever used.
At this point I have no intention of proceeding with further “taste tests” to prove my theory or of conducting further experiments with other “beverage + toothpaste” combinations, but watch out, I’ve already posted about orange juice and toothpaste and at this point I have no reason to believe that these circumstantial toothpaste-related discoveries are likely to abate.
That’s knowing your customers
Posted 20 Jun 2008
Daily Life, The Little Things | 3 Comments
Yesterday evening, the house phone rang so I answered it. It was BT (British Telecom) ringing to thank me for being such a great telephone customer. In fact, I was such a good customer that they were making a special offer to me: I could get broadband from BT. ‘But,’ I responded, ‘I already have broadband.’ The BT clerk asked me who was my broadband supplier. ‘BT’, I said flatly. Conversation over.
How stupid warning signs are born
Posted 19 Jun 2008
I bought a safe the other day from B&Q , one with an electronic keypad, and a back-up key in case the batteries die unexpectedly. As I was putting the safe into a cabinet (can’t tell you where or that’d be a security breach, for darned sure), the bright yellow sticker in the top left corner caught my eye.
I had to look twice at the little yellow sign to make sure I was reading it correctly:
I had to laugh. And then I got to thinking about how B&Q decided that it needed a bright yellow sticker on the safe warning people not to lock the emergency back-up keys in the safe.
B&Q Customer Service Telephone Hotline Rep: Thank you for ringing B&Q. How can I help?
Clueless Customer: Hi. I need some help. I bought one of your safes and can’t seem to get it open.
B&Q Rep: Ok, sure. Can you please be more specific on what you mean by you can’t seem to get the safe open?
Customer: Exactly that. The safe’s locked. I can’t open it.
B&Q Rep: (Sighs) Right then. Have you tried entering the code on the touch-pad?
Customer: Can’t. The screen’s all blank. Hitting the keys doesn’t do anything.
B&Q Rep: Oh, well, in that case, we can use the back-up keys. Do you have the two keys that came with the safe about?
Customer: (A pause) Um … no. They are in the safe. I didn’t want to lose them. Wanted to keep them safe, you know. Isn’t there, like a safety release on the safe somewhere?
B&Q Rep: (Sound of muffled laughter) Um, no. That’s why we call it a ’safe’. The idea is to make it difficult for people without the passcode or a key to access the safe.
I curse you, hay fever!
Posted 18 Jun 2008
Hay fever. Every June hay fever beats me like a red-headed step-child. Why must I suffer through June because the plants around me want to pollenate? I didn’t notice any foliage suffering as a result of my proceative efforts. In fact, the flowers, grass and trees barely even noticed as far as I can tell. And yet every June I suffer burning, puffy eyes and snot-flows like a ranging river after a terrible storm. Why, I ask you, why?! Even the little pink allergy pills that I take don’t help all that much.
Suddenly, I am sneezing again and have to end this post … Ahhhhh-choo! Eeewwww! Keyboard definitely needs a clean now, he writes in disgust.
Oh, if you’re interested in sending hay fever e-abuse, hay fever is now on Twitter .
Dirty Eyes
Posted 17 Jun 2008
Daily Life, People, The Little Things | 3 Comments
When showering, do you ever open your eyes while washing your face and spread a little soap in there to clean off your eyeballs?
Yeah, neither do I.
